I remember a TV show I saw years ago where a young-ish medical student was considering giving up. She was pregnant and alone and just suffered a pregnancy-related stroke. I mean, under those circumstances, few would blame her for stepping away. Her mother listened to her pain, and talked about her own similar decision years earlier – whether to remain where she was as a nurse, or go back to school to be a doctor. The mother said she decided not to pursue a career change because she was too old; now she was in her 50’s and still wondering.

I get it – the need to take revenge on someone who you feel hurt you, helping you feel at least a little bit empowered and less helpless. Feels so sweet when you do it. But not for long .In tragic tales and classic novels, often a good person is wronged and takes revenge. Later on, they discover that the person they took their revenge on wasn’t as deserving as they felt. They end up feeling remorse, and are unable to move on. The tale ends in tragedy – of the person they hurt and of themselves. Tales like Oedipus come to mind: king of Thebes, who unwittingly killed his father and married his mother. In this story, it was his mother who could not live with it when she discovered her son’s true identity, and ended her life.

I hear so often about the increase in anxiety that everyone is feeling, and especially young people. This generalized anxiety can result in not feeling safe. That can end up increasing our sensitivity to perceived slights, which in turn, generates conflict, division, and hard feelings.

When I was a teenager, a group of us would crowd around the dinner table of the Dutch mother of one of our friends for their traditional Friday evening meal. I remember that meal as being so much fun – choice prepared meats and cheeses, ripe sliced tomatoes and a selection of hardy breads. It’s a memory I cherish, filled with delicious food and a lot of laughter.

Most of us hate conflict and try to avoid it, some at all costs. There’s a problem with trying to avoid conflict: it will show up again, either with the same person or a different one; either in the same or a different scenario. If you have a beating heart, conflict is a part of living. I’m guessing that if you try to avoid conflict, it’s probably because it makes you feel anxious. The reasons vary, but for most of us, it’s about the expected results of conflict – being rejected, shamed, excluded, embarrassed, judged, treated unjustly, … - any number of negative expectations that none of us relish facing. If that’s what you fear, then it makes conflict risky. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Last summer, I bought an old, run-down antique Italian chandelier. I really wanted it in my home and felt I could clean it up and get it looking good. Well, it’s taking way more time and effort than I expected: 3 thorough cleanings with Q-tips, vinegar, soap and elbow grease ( I went through 2 large boxes of Q-tips), a lengthy consultation with a gold leaf expert, innumerable videos, and now I’m at the point of trying my hand at gold-leafing an ornate and finicky fixture, having no prior experience.

I had to travel today to try and correct an error. It took all day, which meant that all my day job things were waiting for me when I got home. It was a very long day.

I didn’t end up getting that error corrected. I did end up with more work to do out of that experience that I’m not looking forward to, but will do because it needs doing. In the past, I would probably have experienced this day as beyond frustrating, because my expectations would most certainly have been geared entirely towards focusing on what I wanted to happen rather than on what I could make happen.